I remember two years ago, it was September and my birthday comes around the same time, but that year while I went and tried to take my mind off my mother who was in the hospital battling multiple organ failures, I was scared as hell, she passed away a week later, making me hate myself, to the extent that one night in December I climbed to the roof of my house with the sole intention of jumping off it, without caring what anyone thought, my mind was going numb with self-abuse and hurt, and nothing was helping it calm down, I showed strength according to some, and weakness according to others, when I thought of my father living alone, and my dog and didn’t go through with it, but that was the beginning of the end of life as I knew it.
I had battled depression before, not to this extent though, because my mom was a buffer of love and affection and with her around, there was this constant need to be loved, that was fulfilled, she gave up everything and everyone for her baby boy, she doted on me, and at times when she felt the anger and darkness that marked the bad days, she simply calmed down and didn’t say much, she knew I thought in some way that the inheritance of depression had finally taken another one in the family line.
I was shattered after my mother passed away, years of dependency and knowledge that I had one cushion to fall on being taken away was too hard, I quit my job and did ridiculous things that I’d normally wouldn’t do if my sanity hadn’t left through the front door, among them was joining a ludicrous venture organised by an old friend who was in college, who didn’t knwo shit about what he was doing, I didn’t know shit about I was doing as well, but for some time it was helping, concentrating on moving forward, but the nights were terrible, my dad wanted me to be strong, he needed me so I couldn’t tell him, nor would I show weakness to the others, but it was a sea that was submerging me, and late last year, after a year in the darkness, it broke my soul.
There were days when I simply didn’t move or cared about anything, staring for hours at the walls, at the television set, lost in another time and a reality that was as convoluted as the mind that was damaged. Then late last year I went on a trip with a friend, she was the only one I ever shared anything with, seeing the death of my beloved friend who had raised me like a father, he was a butler or a servant named Kali, who had died in front of my eyes, then my dog who died, being sexually abused as a kid, being told that I wasn’t good enough, the failure of having dropped a year, everything suddenly became too much, but I couldn’t show weakness, that was my law, that was Ironclad, until my friend and I was alone, S, she passed away this year, in the month of February, another loss to add to my list.
The worse thing about the whole ordeal with S was that she was the rock that I wanted to be, and now that I look back, she was the only one who for years told me that I should write, to show the world that there is creativity that can shape the generation in me, something special, which I never believed, thinking that friends have to say nice things, until I freed the chains on my mind, then the storm unleashed, like something akin to the renaissance of the past, there were millions of things to say, and write, but before of that, in march I promised myself one thing, weakness was not something to run away from, but take into oneself, I took the darkness and from that moment, there hasn’t been a single day that I’ve not been happy, especailly when I could write.
I know I’m not a good writer yet, but in a decade, with hard work and letting my mind loose, there is nothing that can stand in front of my rise, other than me, and that is something that will no longer happen, because I don’t write for myself, but memories, that believed, when no one else did, gave love to a flower that people hated, didn’t care about, those are the people I write for, and they are the only reason i’m alive now, not the fair weather friends that left when I was down and out, or the people I kicked out because they didn’t help me grow, or the one’s that kicked me out because I was damaged goods, that didn’t care enough for them.
Now that I’m alone and in the singular, there is something calming and nice about life, there are still days that I might lose focus, but I close my eyes and picture the women that made me who I am, there were only two, one was my mom, and the other was the friend who loved me more than I could even imagine, they are the ones that power this obsession, this need to excel and not give a fuck what anyone thinks, and believe me, there will come a day when I will succeed, because I’m not powered by greed, or money, but my heart, that is far stronger, because it was weak, my resolve laid shattered but now is whole again, and my mind that was self destructive, now rides into the storm, shouting for it to come and take me on.
Remember that depression is fine, it isn’t a disease that can’t be broken or destroyed in time, take a loser like me as an example, I’m not going to let it stop me, nor should it stop you, rise friends and fellow children of the night, let’s show the world that depression is only a faltering step and not the failure that people tell you that it is, I will help anyone who thinks that they can’t help themselves, that’s what I can do, and want to do, death comes for us all in time, it’s time that it hesitates meeting a smile, rather than a scream and desperate need to live on..
Fight it, I’ll be your shield, I’ll be your spear, I’ll be your heart, I’ll be your mind, and more than anything, I’ll be your shadow.